Sunday, 31 May 2009

The Thin White Dude's Reviews - Eagle Eye

What is that I smell? Is it lava? What is that I hear? Is that the volcanic eruption of a dormant (at least for longer than usual) pot of rage that is The Thin White Dude's head melting? I believe so. To be perfectly honest, opening a review with four questions isn't exactly bringing us to any conclusions, but let's face it, this movie does not give you one any time sooner than you wish. Quite the contrary in fact. And just so you know, this will essentially be an extended rant, for a film with such a lack of structure clearly does not deserve any degree of structure in a review whatsoever. So here I go, Shia LeBeowolf, star of over-rated blockbuster Transformers, gets cut his acting chops in a highly intelligent espionage thriller in the vein of the Jason Bourne movies. Or at least that what the trailers would like us to believe. This is a classic case of misrepresentation, and even though the opening is admittedly intriguing, get past the fifteen minute mark and it denominates into nonsensical, bolchy bin bag wrapped garbage which you wouldn't find on the good end of shit. Now, I'm sorry, I don't swear in reviews, but this is a grave exception, for this was a film which did and will never cease to infuriate. Also in this man-on-the-run from the government chase movie cum commentary on surveillance society forward slash human drama features a character alongside Shia LaBeowolf is Michelle Monaghan as a young mother following the robots (yes, it's a fucking robot behind it all) dastardly artificial intelligence circuits, or else her son will die. Dum, dum, dum. You simply have to be able to have these characters alongside one another to create some tension and drama, huh, huh. Oh, look at all the young actors, to counterbalance, let's get the wily old veteran to chase them, enter Billy Bob Thornton, who quite frankly in the middle of all this chasing, running and explosions, looks as though he is going to pass out. Don't forget to throw in a female who is clearly more talented than the lead female, enter Rosario Dawson. We also need a tough nut, let's have Michael Chikilis, yes, that guy, the egghead in The Shield, cause you all skinheads are tough. Check. Hip young director? Hell yeah. Big hit producer. Hmm, hmm, Mr. Spielberg. Now, seriously, this film is woeful. Really, really bad. I mean, first, it masqueders initially as an espionage thriller with agents etc, then, it goes hardcore action, which is just quite frankly ridiculous. This may as well be a monster movie, for the amount of carnage in this would suggest that Godzilla, Gamera, King Kong, heck the whole crew, were wrecking havoc in town. Then, then the worst thing, which reminds you how false and corruptibly minded the powers that be are. After all this carnage, they have the nerve to believe that we the audience will be able to accept this trash called human drama being shoved down our throat. At one point in the film, I looked at my watch, thinking it was over, only to realise that forty-five minutes remained. It’s that kind of movie. And to think this will make millions, I mean good God, is this a satire on moviegoers themselves, furthermore proving how stupid the general public are? It's like, "look we made the worst movie possible, with the most money possible, and they love. Ha ha ha. Let's roll around in our wads of cash, prostitutes and sugar." Seriously, if you like this movie, you deserve to lose the sense of sight. That's that, I'm finishing up before I get too cross. The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - Dead in the water. Fine, 0.7/10

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