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Monday, 6 January 2014

The Thin White Dude's 'Reviews' - Texas Chainsaw (Message to Blogger!)



Aloha, told you I'd be back in action. I'm looking forward for a change to what I call the annual cram, shoving in as many movies as possible for the last hurdle come Oscar season. The ones I can guarantee for this upcoming cram are Stoker, Oblivion and A Hijacking, and while I'd like to guarantee some more, everything is up in the air, as they say. So, for all the latest and greatest from the lousiest, laziest and rushed film critic of them all, keep your eyes posted!

Today's movie up for review is Texas Chainsaw, which was released in the theatres (with a big marketing campaign behind it) as Texas Chainsaw 3D. To give us a bit of history here, I love the 1974 original, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which is one of the most visceral horror movies of all time, with a real verite/guerilla film aesthetic to it that is still jarring to this day. I only recently re-watched the movie, which reminded me just how shocking and mind-blowing cinema can be. This was followed twelve years later by Tobe Hooper's own The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, which turned the story more in the direction of black comedy. Two other sequels, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III from New Line Cinema, attempting to reboot the franchise with Leatherface at the forefront a la Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, and Columbia's Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, which failed in it's own attempt to reboot the franchise. In 2003, Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes released a remake of the original under the same name, the first of his many financially profitable horror remakes, along with a 2006 prequel, with the suffix, The Beginning, and from here, after Brad Fuller and Andrew Form announced there would not be a third Dunes Chainsaw, with Twisted Pictures as the major producing studio, Lionsgate snapped up the rights to put out their own take. So plot synopsis for this take, eh? Well, basically what Texas Chainsaw does it disregards all the sequels/prequels/reboots in the franchise and takes up the story immediately after the events of the original film. The residents of Newt, Texas, much to the chagrin of local law enforcement, organise a lynch mob to wipe out the Sawyer family after a young girl (Sally Hardesty) escapes their clutches. Their home is burnt down and the family is presumed dead, however, a child is found on the scene and adopted by two of the townspeople. Decades later, Heather Miller (Alexandra Daddario) is notified that her grandmother has passed away, and that her adoptive parents have been keeping a secret regarding her upbringing. She, her boyfriend and two others, along with a hitchhiker, head to Newt to collect the inheritance, which is shown to be a big, empty house, which isn't as empty as presumed as Leatherface is living downstairs in the locked basement. Shall we dance?

This is where all semblance of a legitimate review ends, and that is not due to the quality of the movie (it's rubbish anyway), but rather because I had already completed my review, but due to the wonders of technology it got wiped in the process of uploading the poster image for the movie, as I do for all of my review. Much as I'd like to say I'm absolutely dedicated to my craft to the point where I'd re-write my whole review, frankly I'm too cross to even comprehend doing such a thing. It's very annoying when you spend the guts of two hours writing a review, only for your hard work to be destroyed by some vile technical glitch involving the picture uploader. The only reason those two paragraphs exist, which have no weight or meaning whatsoever no that those proceeding them are nonexistent, is because I had saved them from a previous draft and was able to ensure that they were able to be transferred, so that y'all would have a gist of where I might be going with this. Regardless of what you work as, what medium you work in, whether you work with words, work with your hands, work with your head, whatever, if you are someone like me who makes an effort and gives a damn about what they do, unlike so many other lackadaisical, lazy swines who swoon in and out of the workplace, get fired and picked up again because of who they know and know whose ass to kiss, it can be annoying when despite the fact you put your whole, unadulterated, incontrovertible, absolute heart and soul into this, your work is lost or you lose work due to circumstances outside of your control. Human error, including my own, I can take, but when it comes down to technical errors, I've got a message for Blogger: make an effort in your work to ensure that things like this do not happen because I was to approach my work the way you do yours, I wouldn't be reviewing movies with any sort of credence, I'd just be using this as a vent for all of my complexes and insecurities in unconstructed rants on a far more regular occurrence!

So, yes, this in no way resembles anything the review I did have on the way. When you work in the arts (and, yes, disagree with me all you want, criticism is an art in and of itself), there are times when you have to admit that the essence of something is lost, and that's what happened with my review. I never had any of these issues with pen and paper, which is where all my poetry is! So, here's my rating for Texas Chainsaw, and hopefully (heaven forefend!) you won't have to be subjected to many, if any, more of these rants!

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 3.6/10

The Thin White Dude's Self-Diagnosis - Grr (I was stoked 'til this happened!)

P.S. If anyone wants my genuine opines on Texas Chainsaw, make a comment or send me an e-mail on the matter!

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