The Thin White Dude's Reviews - Yakuza Apocalypse

Directed by: Takashi Miike

Produced by: Yoshinori Chiba

Shin'ichiro Masuda

Shinjiro Nishimura

Misako Saka

Screenplay by: Yoshitaka Yamaguchi

Starring: Hayato Ichihara

Yayan Ruhian

Riko Narumi

Lily Franky

Reiko Takashima

Music by: Koji Endo

Cinematography by: Hajime Kanda

Editing by: Kenji Yamashita

Studio(s): Django Film

Gambit

Happinet Corporation

OLM, Inc.

Distributed by: Nikkatsu

Release date(s): May 21, 2015 (Cannes Film Festival)

June 20, 2015 (Japan)

October 9, 2015 (United States)

January 6, 2016 (United Kingdom)

Running time: 115 minutes

Country: Japan

Language(s): Japanese

English

Production budget: N/A

Box-office revenue (as of publication): $12, 756

Today's film up for review is Yakuza Apocalypse, one of the most recent directorial outings from Japanese legend Takashi Miike. For those of you who don't know, Miike-san is one of my favourite directors and for my money the most audacious of filmmakers over the past twenty-five years. No contemporary artist in film (yes, I'm looking at you, Tarantino...) has dared to challenge and push the boundaries of cinema quite like Miike. Be it his yakuza flicks like the Black Society trilogy (his best yakuza film is unquestionably Agitator, an epic gangster saga to match any classic in the genre), his surreal and ultraviolent endeavours (Audition is for me the most frightening film I've ever seen and among my top ten greatest films of all-time), family-oriented features such as Zebraman, or his most recent successes with the jidaigeki samurai films 13 Assassins and Hara-Kiri: Death Of A Samurai, Miike (though he often downplays his personal flavours to a workman-like approach, which always reminds this reviewer of Michael Curtiz), over what is now nearly a hundred productions since he began directing in 1991, has thoroughly established himself with a reputation that precedes him. So, anyway, hoopla context out of the way, let's get down to Yakuza Apocalypse: set in the underworld run by the Japanese yakuza, Kageyama (Hayato Ichihara) is a loyal man who suffers the ridicule of his fellow gang members, due to his skin condition making him unable to get tattooed, which of course are used symbolically by the yakuza organisations within Japan. However, assassins become aware of the location of his boss Kamiura's (Lily Franky), and unhappy with his activities offer him an ultimatum to rejoin the international syndicate he left or to be knocked off. I won't go too far into plot, but put it this way, unbeknownst to the assassins and his own underlings, Kamiura is a battle-hardened vampire, and, well, things go the way the do in a Miike film. Shall we dance?

To start off with the good about the film, I have to say that it is totally bonkers and features all the usual things you might come to expect from a Miike film, but also there is a lot more to it than simple irreverent indulgence, and I think while of course you can put a lot of that down to Miike, some of the ideas in the screenplay from Yoshitaka Yamaguchi really take you aback. There are some moments of genuine originality that have you completely hooked, and others which are just so absolutely ridiculous that not only is it beggar's belief but they are gut-bustingly funny (I direct you to Exhibit A, namely the World's Toughest Terrorist...). Also, it is for the most-part a well-executed hybrid action movie, in that yes we have yakuza power struggles, yes we have vampires running amuck, yes we have the apocalypse and all these different things going on in a glorious bay of blood, but it also a martial-arts film. I can't for the life of me tell you who done the choreography on the movie, but among the assortment of characters is Kyoken, played by Yahan Ruhian, the Indonesian martial artist and actor, most famous for playing Mad Dog in Gareth Evans' The Raid, and as such we have four or five fight scenes featuring some terrific martial-arts choreography with Ruhian at the centre of them and a high standard of stunt work throughout. Speaking of performance, there's a very good one at the heart of it by Hayato Ichihara. Over the course of the film, the character of Kageyama goes through a transformation, and it displays intelligence on Ichihara's part that it isn't just a sudden change, but that of a gradual one, subtly changing alongside Kageyama's personality, whilst still retaining the fundamental characteristics which make him up. I can't say I've seen Ichihara in anything before this, but I'll be interested to see where he goes in the future as an actor, especially considering he's featured in Miike's upcoming adaptation of the Blade Of The Immortal manga. The final thing I'd like to flag up is the overall look of the film. Even though it's obviously a picture with a relatively modest budget, they work around that with a visually interesting mise-en-scene, with cinematographer Hajime Kanda highlighting all of it's qualities and Kenji Yamashita's editing covering up most of the patches whilst integrating appropriately all the different elements, with the literal and visual effects coming together in a stylistically unique fashion. To conclude on the positives, this is the kind of film that only a master like Miike-san could manage to pull off. You almost have to admire it for sheer boldness' sake, but the fact is is that even so it could have been a real mess. Instead, what we have is a highly entertaining, at times outrageously funny and rather fascinating film.

Now, for all that I did like about it, I do have to say that there are certain things that grated on me about it that need flagging up. For all the qualities that are to be found in Yamaguchi's script, there are also a number of problems. It may be original in terms of ideas, but as far as it's rudiments and fundamentals go the story itself is a fairly familiar and easy story. As such, while all this stuff is happening around the characters, they themselves are stock, ones that we have seen before in any number of different movies before. The trajectory of the story is cliched, and frankly doesn't offer enough new to the table to elevate it above the slew of great works that we see come out every year. As such, all the originality, while fun, serves as window dressing to what is something not without flaws. The final thing to say is that because of this the film doesn't have enough to sustain a near two-hour running time. If they had have shaved off fifteen to twenty minutes and come in at around a hundred minutes this could have been a masterpiece, but unfortunately goes on a bit and threatens to overstay it's welcome.

That being said, I am revising my original opinion on the film. I knew that it was very good, but in retrospect, it is a great film. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it. It might not be as fulfilling from an all-round standpoint as some Miike's other films (I'm thinking in particular of the Jodorowsky-inflected brilliance of Gozu), but Yakuza Apocalypse is a widely entertaining action-fantasy hybrid that, faults and all, delivers in spades what many others fail to.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 8.0/10

The Thin White Dude's Self-Diagnosis - Buzzing (I'm turning into Charlie Sheen minus all the drugs, only I've the blood of a bull in my veins, baby!)

Yakuza Apocalypse Trailer

The Thin White Dude's Reviews - Doctor Strange

Directed by: Scott Derrickson

Produced by: Kevin Feige

Screenplay by: Jon Spaihts

Scott Derrickson

C. Robert Cargill

Based on: Doctor Strange by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch

Chiwetel Ejiofor

Rachel McAdams

Benedict Wong

Michael Stuhlbarg

Benjamin Bratt

Scott Adkins

Mads Mikkelsen

Tilda Swinton

Music by: Michael Giacchino

Cinematography by: Ben Davis

Editing by: Wyatt Smith

Sabrina Plisco

Studio: Marvel Studios

Distributed by: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Release date(s): October 13, 2016 (Hong Kong, world premiere)

October 25, 2016 (United Kingdom)

November 4, 2016 (United States)

Running time: 115 minutes

Country: United States

Language: English

Production budget: $165 million

Box-office revenue (as of publication): $657, 813, 341

Up for review here, under the knife (oh, how very fitting, Cal, you're a gas...) today is Doctor Strange, the fourteenth and latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the last to whet those superhero appetites until Guardians Of The Galaxy, Vol. 2 comes out in May next year. Doctor Strange is one of those projects that has been in the back-burner for quite some time, for while he may be beloved among comic-book fans (he's a favourite that always seems to be crop up and play a big part in large storylines), his character and 'powers,' as it were, are of a slightly different nature to what we have come to expect in contemporary superhero films, so to some extent it was always going to be somewhat of a gamble. In this adaptation of the comics, brilliant but self-centred neurosurgeon Dr. Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) suffers the loss of the use of his hands in a car accident, ending his medical career. However, after learning a paraplegic who learned how to walk again, he is directed to Kamar-Taj, where the sorcerer Mordo (Chiwetel Ejiofor) takes him to the Ancient One (Tilda Swinton), who shows him the astral plane and other dimensions. Strange begs to be taught the mystical powers to access them, to which, despite his arrogance reminding her of Kaecilius (Mads Mikkelsen), one of her pupils who broke with the old ways and took his disciples with him. Kaecilius has, of course, in the way of these things, been causing a bit of trouble lately, so things go their usual way. Got it? Good! Call that an abrupt cutoff if you want, but I just don't think there's much more to say.

To start off with the good, I want to highlight the technical qualities of the film. Although I know it was released in 3D, me being me I went to see it in 2D, and I can say that the visual effects and CGI of the film are absolutely stunning, so much so I think I would like to have seen it in the former format. Nevertheless, I was drawn in by the mind-bending brilliance of these effects, and not only do they contribute greatly to some very exciting and unique action sequences, but they are seamless in their design, so not only can we see what is going on without getting lost in the thick of it, we can appreciate the story that they are telling with them. Highly accomplished work here. Obviously Ben Davis as cinematographer does much to contribute here, and there is some terrific imagery at work here amidst these well-shot action sequences. The harmony and synthesis of this interaction of visual aesthetics is completed by the editing work of Wyatt Smith and Sabrina Plisco, creating a wonderful overall piece and one of the most visually interesting blockbusters I've seen in recent years. We've also got another great score from Michael Giacchino, who really has been on a roll with Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, Jurassic World and Inside Out under his belt over the past couple of years. He's one of the few composers who is able to work at this high level with high degree of output (he's done ten scores since 2014) and yet still maintain a strong quality control over his work. Giacchino has a certain gift at being able deliver rabble-rousing scores while telling a story with his music unique to any particular film. At it's worst, it can be intrusive, but when it's done well, as it is here, it can really contribute to the film. Another praiseworthy quality is the performances of the cast. Ejiofor, Rachel McAdams, Mikkelsen and Swinton are all on good form (and Benedict Wong is hilariously deadpan as Wong, the seemingly humourless master keeper of relics and texts of the Kamar-Taj), but I want to focus in particular on Benedict Cumberbatch. Netting the Sherlock actor, one of the hottest properties in both television and film for the lead role was a real coup for Marvel, and the film benefits greatly from his presence. Cumberbatch oozes the swagger and charisma necessary for conveying the arrogance of the character, but also in his own way, both through his excellent physical control, composition and facial expressions, captures our sympathies and increasing emotional investment in Stephen Strange's downfall as a neurosurgeon and eventual resurrection as a mystic. In a Universe that is getting some really terrific actors in to play their protagonists, Cumberbatch's Strange has already become one of the standouts. Finally, I want to praise the directorial efforts of Scott Derrickson. Having come a long way from the likes of Hellraiser: Inferno, The Day The Earth Stood Still remake and Sinister, and while the second film there was no small fry, this is his first massive gig, and it's a triumph. There's a lot of different things to take into account with a Doctor Strange film, and any one of them could cause the film to flop and fall flat on it's face. However, for the most part, everything is in good order (especially the overall mise-en-scene, with the production design, costumes and make-up/hair being another standout element of a high standard), and, indeed, Derrickson does things with a certain degree of flair, giving the proceedings a bit of his own flavour, character, in the process.

However, these praiseworthy things being said about Doctor Strange, and I will continue to say good words about it, there are a number of faults with the picture which ensure that while it remains a very good film, it is not a great film. Namely, these issues come from two different aspects; firstly, the script, and secondly, an aspect which also affects to some extent the script, the production directive. I'll deal with the former first, and frankly while I enjoyed Doctor Strange, it suffers from a number of the common pitfalls that come from establishing a new character in an origin story film. There has to be the prelude, the conflict and the rise of how they come to be who they are. Marvel have a terrific formula as far as money-making, crowd-pleasing blockbusters, so much so they can practically churn out a good movie with their hands tied behind their backs, but it always seems to be the case that any time they are concerned with origin stories, they tend to be hitting all the same beats, getting the basil-exposition out of the way before they get down to business in the sequels. However good the film may be at establishing this character and the world he inhabits, it is, almost by defaults, formulaic in terms of it's general plot and where it goes. I had the same feeling about Iron Man in 2008 and Captain America: The First Avenger in 2011. Furthermore, and as I said this has a direct effect upon the script, a criticism that can be levelled at it is that this is part of the extended Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the production directive is clear at not only establishing Stephen Strange but getting him to fit into the wider scheme of things. As such, a lot of time is spent weaving it together and tying up all the loose ends, and unfortunately, much as this is a unique world very much of it's own, it is not a self-contained one but a small piece of a bigger puzzle. It's a rare thing for a successful origin story to work entirely as a self-contained film (Richard Donner's Superman and Robocop did it well, and most recently Batman Begins and 2009's J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot). It does somewhat here, but not entirely.

Despite my having those reservations about the script and the general production directive, I had a lot of fun with Doctor Strange. The mise-en-scene is terrific, with some fantastic visual effects, great cinematography, a strong score from Michael Giacchino, a winning lead performance from Benedict Cumberbatch and solid direction from Scott Derrickson. It has it's flaws, but it's still an accomplished and entertaining piece of filmmaking.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 7.5/10

The Thin White Dude's Self-Diagnosis - Well

Doctor Strange Trailer

The Thin White Dude's Reviews (Three Films) In A Nutshell, Vol. 2

Despite tanking at the box-office and being a fairly straightforward, predictable affair, Blood Father is a fun and entertaining genre flick. It's well-directed by Jean-Francois Richet, is technically sound and boasts a great performance from Mel Gibson, who has good chemistry with his onscreen daughter, played by Erin Moriarty. It's nothing we haven't seen before, but it's a solid romp and with an eighty-eight minute running time does everything it says on the tin without overstaying it's welcome.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 6.8/10

Blood Father Trailer

To my surprise, the second film in Adam Sandler's four-picture deal with Netflix has turned out to be one of the two good films he has made since 2010. Sandler and co-star David Spade have great chemistry, and there are some moments in the dialogue, gags and scenes that had me genuinely laughing. It isn't chopped liver, and it is in fact a bit messy, but the fact is I enjoyed the film and I think it's a good buddy comedy.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 6.3/10

The Do-Over Trailer

There are some strong sequences evoking the hazy, drug-induced atmosphere they are trying to get at, and for that the camera crews, editing department and composers of the score should be applauded. However, despite this and the strength of the central concept, the movie is a botch job, with a plot direction that is all over the place and terribly two-dimensional characters. Urge, with all it's initial promise, reaches it's conclusion (and no amount of Ashley Greene in leather can convince me otherwise), not with a bang, but with a half-hearted whimper of a non-ending. 

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 4.3/10

Urge Trailer

Well, there you have it, in a nutshell. Sorry, had to slip that one in there. No, wait, I'm not sorry, I just felt like rambling on incoherently so as to bring this to some sort of conclusion. Anywho, if I was to recommend one film out of these three I'd say go watch Blood Father, not just because of everything I said about it, but because it's one of the few times recently I've seen a successful throwback to the eighties action movies of old, when not everything had to be made for over $100 million and two-and-a-half hours long. It's a modestly-budgeted case of wham-bam thank you, Mam!

Speaking of which, here's a clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger throwing a phone booth with a guy stuck inside it in Commando: Commando Phone Booth Attack Scene

The Thin White Dude's Reviews - Lo And Behold, Reveries Of The Connected World

Directed by: Werner Herzog

Produced by: Werner Herzog

Rupert Maconick

Written by: Werner Herzog

Music by: Mark Degli Antoni

Sebastian Steinberg

Cinematography by: Peter Zeitlinger

Editing by: Marco Capalbo

Studio(s): NetScout

Pereira & O'Dell Entertainment

Saville Productions

Skellig Rock

Distributed by: Magnolia Pictures (United States)

Dogwoof Pictures (United Kingdom)

Release date(s): January 23, 2016 (Sundance Film Festival)

August 19, 2016 (United States)

October 28, 2016 (United Kingdom)

Running time: 98 minutes

Country: United States

Language: English

Production budget: N/A

Box-office revenue (as of publication): $594, 912 (United States only)

Alrighty then, today's film up for review is Lo And Behold, Reveries Of The Connected World, the latest film by Werner Herzog, who, for those of you that don't know, I hold in high regard. There's very few people I genuinely look to, outside of my admiration for their work, as an artistic inspiration, but Herzog is one of them. From his days of slogging around Peruvian jungles while his contemporaries of the German New Wave made urban films (I just recently re-purchased Aguirre, Wrath Of God in a pristine BFI Blu-Ray edition) to his contemporary fame over the past decade since Grizzly Man. Based today primarily in Los Angeles, the great master has made quite the reputation as a documentarian, and this film, Lo And Behold, is one of two feature-length docs he has put out this year (along with Netflix original Into The Inferno). With this film, Herzog explores, in a manner not dissimilar to his stunning AT&T short From One Second To The Next (yes Sam, if you're reading, I did finally watch it!), the implications of technology's ever-increasing place in our lives. Got it? Good!

To start off with the good, at risk of sounding biased, nobody depicts non-fiction quite like Herzog. He approaches fact in the same way he approaches fiction, the only difference being that he is more explicit about the questions being asked. The Internet, robots, space exploration, all manner of technology-related things fall under the ever-watchful gaze of this unique mind, who for all of the general perception of him being a bit crazy is the only one oftentimes asking the most poignant, topical, relevant questions about what all of this really means. Not only does the film make us think, but in Herzog's oh-so elegant manner, he also entertains us with some moments of absurd humour, touch us with some of the wonderful potentialities and also to frighten and disturb with the more tragic, horrific aspects of technology. This elegance extends to the cinematography by Peter Zeitlinger, who in between talking-heads segments (or in the middle of these scenes, as evidenced by Marco Capalbo's editing), has obviously spent time gathering some wonderful pick-up footage, shooting the machines as though they are some great natural wonder. The same can be said for the music by Mark Degli Antoni and Sebastian Steinberg, whose minimal compositions let the subject speak for themselves, and fit well alongside the grandeur of Richard Wagner, whose Vorspiel from Das Rheingold is used in the film (not the first time Herzog has used it; Brownie points at play for those who can tell me where else it has been used). I don't want to say a huge amount else because I'd run the risk of giving away too many details, so I'll relate the story of how I saw it. I watched this film on a live stream broadcast of the UK premiere through the website of Dogwoof, the UK distributor of the film, who of course have put out some great movies in the past over here such as Joshua Oppenheimer's The Act Of Killing and The Look Of Silence. I had a cold at the time, so despite my being a stubborn one about 'the big screen,' I refused to let other people suffer my sneezes and sniffles, and reluctantly watched it on my laptop. Not overlooking the irony behind all of this, it also got me to thinking of the social relevance of this film, and the fact that I do feel this is a work of significance, for it was through the live stream that I was able to view the film. Heck, even this review, as with all of my back catalogue, would not find an audience without the opportunities opened up by the Internet. As such, Lo And Behold ties in marvellously with the omnipotent presence of technology in our lives.

Before you start, hear me out when I say that although I enjoyed the film and acknowledge it's significance that I do not think it is a masterpiece. Also, this is another one of those cases in which there is nothing that is particularly wrong with the film itself. As far as I'm concerned, from an objective standpoint it hits all the right beats, but I have to also take into account my subjective standpoint, which is that I didn't, for lack of a better word, connect to the subject matter as much as I with some of his other work. Fundamentally, although his work always attempts to elevate it's subject to an epic scale, a higher pantheon, to express, in his own words, the "ecstatic truth," what draws me in Herzog's work is the singular tales of extraordinary characters and people like Aguirre, Kaspar Hauser, Stroszek, Fitzcarraldo, Dieter Dengler, Klaus Kinski and Timothy Treadwell, and their interactions with the world around them. Ultimately, Lo And Behold, for all of the praiseworthy qualities, I feel is less about humans per se than a study of human behaviour. Do see it, it's a great and significant film, but that's just how I feel looking at it from a subjective angle.

Well, there you have it. While I have some reservations about my connection to the subject from a subjective angle, I feel that Lo And Behold, Reveries Of The Connected World is another great documentary from Werner Herzog. Aesthetically, it is a sound film made with real elegance, and, in true Herzogian fashion, he is able to take just about any subject he decides to look upon and deliver a potent message, in this case how technology impacts upon our lives. Not only that, it's his own unique twist on the overall scheme of things that makes a subject that in other hands could be a dreary, rather mundane work into something which is at the best of times awe-inspiring and devilishly entertaining.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 8.6/10

The Thin White Dude's Self-Diagnosis - Cool

Lo And Behold, Reveries Of The Connected World Trailer

From One Second To The Next

The Thin White Dude's Reviews - (Five Films) In A Nutshell, Vol.1

In A Nutshell is a new addition to the blog which I have done essentially to gather up clusters of movies I watch every now and again which I, frankly are films that don't require any reviewing of great substance. The films gathered here in this collection are Cyborg X, Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre, Bigfoot Vs. Zombies, Pride And Prejudice And Zombies and Code Of Honour, all of which I watched on a series of nightshifts. Enjoy (or not)!

Despite being a low-budget film, Cyborg X is a technically competent high-concept genre movie that works well enough within it's confines. It has a decent enough cast plus there is some good make-up, stunts and action scenes. Nothing that hasn't been done better before, but does what it says on the tin.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 5.1/10

Certainly piques one's interest as far as the title and concept coming straight from bizarro world. However, despite some outrageously amusing scenes, they are stretched far and between long sequences of basil-exposition nonsense. Torn between two worlds good and bad, it learns more towards the latter.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 4.6/10

I love low-budget exploitation cinema, but this is unfortunately one of those cases of the poster being better than the film. Sure it was probably shot on a shoestring, hence the technical limitations, but that still doesn't excuse not working around them (hide the negatives, accentuate the positives), the dreadful script and terribly hammy acting. Unlike Tommy Wiseau's The Room, a genuine phenomenon, most of those films aren't so bad they're good; they're just awful.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 1.8/10

With a budget estimated at $28 million, it's the film among this present crop with the highest production value. There are things to like about it, namely the design, the mise-en-scene and a strong cast at it's centre. However, for all of it's wealth of different things to draw upon, it is largely bereft of character, and indeed rather dull.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 4.5/10

I guess it's best till last, because for all the genre sensibilities of the others and Pride And Prejudice And Zombies' $28 million high-concept premise, I chose the $8 million Steven Seagal film as the best of the bunch. I know reception has been quite sniffy to it, but I have to say I somewhat enjoyed Code Of Honor. Sure, Seagal's nonsensical monologues on the nature of justice are almost laughable, but as an b-action flick it delivers and is a relatively enjoyable watch.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 5.6/10

Well, there you have it. Kind of a lazy article on my part, but I don't that there's really much to say of any significance on these films. Not only is it a case that none of these movies are of any significance themselves, but I don't think there's anything I myself could contribute that probably hasn't been said already. I spend a fair amount of my time watching disposable nonsense, and I've spent a lot of time in the past reviewing them. With my being busy with a number of my own creative projects now, this is a way for me to sort out the wheat from the chaff, as it were (Matthew 3:12, still got it! Once a believer...). If you are going to watch any out of this bunch, watch Code Of Honor and/or Cyborg X. Both are decent enough genre flicks from which you may derive enjoyment.

Be sure to look out for upcoming reviews of the likes of Werner Herzog's Lo And Behold, Reveries Of The Connected World, Blood Father, Doctor Strange, Takashi Miike's Yakuza Apocalypse, High-Rise, Arrival and Nic Winding Refn's The Neon Demon.

Peace.   

The Thin White Dude's Reviews - Fifty Shades Of Black

Directed by: Michael Tiddes

Produced by: Marlon Wayans

Rick Alvarez

Screenplay by: Marlon Wayans

Rick Alvarez

Starring: Marlon Wayans

Kali Hawk

Affion Crockett

Jane Seymour

Andrew Bachelor

Florence Henderson

Jenny Zigrino

Fred Willard

Mike Epps

Music by: Jim Dooley

Cinematography by: David Ortkiese

Editing by: Lawrence Jordan

Studio(s): IM Global

Baby Way Productions

Distributed by: Open Road Films

Release date(s): January 29, 2016 (United States)

March 11, 2016 (United Kingdom)

Running time: 92 minutes

Country: United States

Language: English

Production budget: $5 million

Box-office revenue (as of publication): $22, 227, 514

Just as a quick preface of sorts, I'll just let you know that the size of my reviews in terms of x-number of words will vary now, depending on how much I feel needs to be said on a given film. I just think it would be good to mix up my old tried and tested format, make it more malleable to cater towards a fluid interpretation of a movie.

Today's movie up for review is Fifty Shades Of Black, a parody of the erotic literary/cinematic phenomenon Fifty Shades Of Grey (which, for sake of argument I have nothing to say about because I have neither read the book or seen the film) and the latest film developed by Marlon Wayans, who writes, stars and produces. It's directed by A Haunted House helmer Michael Tiddes (I can't unsee 'titties' when I look at that name), with Kali Hawk as Hannah Steale, a college student who considers herself unattractive, goes to interview the wealthy entrepreneur Christian Black (played by Wayans) for her roommate's school newspaper, and what do you know, she digs him, he digs her, only he's hiding a dark secret. Let's get down with it, shall we?

Now, just to clear off a couple of things, I thought Kali Hawk was decent in the lead role. Not good by any stretch, considering it's a nothing character and there's only so much an actor can do with such poor material, but she's charming, relatable and engaging. Perhaps in the future there are better things out there for her. Secondly, at ninety-two minutes it does us a small mercy of not dragging things out too long. Finally, I do have to admit that I did laugh once. Something in the film did make me laugh once, it's just a shame I can't for the life of me remember what it was.

And that's it. Yep. That's it. I've seen a lot of bad movies over the years, and while it may not be on the lower side of grot, it is still a rubbish movie. As I mentioned, Kali Hawk had a nothing character, and the same can be said for just about everyone. At most, they are two-dimension stock cardboard cutouts, tired and redundant cliches. Oh, look, there's the man-hating woman who always moans about "men...", etc, etc. As such, not a single one of the actors are able to perform and deliver any work of significance. Notwithstanding that, the gags are horrible and cringeworthy. Interspersed between 'topical' pop-culture references that allude to the likes of Kim Kardashian's 'Break The Internet' photoshoot (what has the world come to when people like that are considered part of cultural landscape?), we have dialogue that highlights the forced humour. I'm a fan of the old ZAZ-films such as Airplane! and The Naked Gun that are influences on the likes of this, but the fact is is that you don't have to try a shove a gag into every single line, especially when they aren't up to scratch and stick in your ears like a screwdriver being slowly twisted in the orifice. As I write, I'm listening to a mix of Ian Dury's work, a man who a trailblazing wordsmith who was able to make the most magnificent poetry out of outrageousness and absurdity. You've got Dury, and then drek like this film, and Fifty Shades Of Black doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence. Even the attempts at gross-out/absurdist humour that act almost as spots, the big moments they want to be as belly-busters fail to do their job, drawing out past the point of welcome. It's like somebody is whispering in my ear "you know it's funny, right? This is the part you're meant to laugh at. C'mon, buddy, do it. Just laugh. Laugh, you grumpy old sod." Nope. Perhaps the worst thing about the film is that while trying to do an absurd, gross-out parody film, they're also attempting to make a legitimate statement on the recent debate of lack of proportionate racial-representation in major Hollywood films. So, in case you didn't get it, the film's called Fifty Shades Of Black, the main character is Christian Black, he's played by a black actor, and runs a business called Black Enterprises, and so there's all manner of these sort of references smattered throughout the film in visual/sight gags and the dialogue. So, that's is where we've got to, eh? In the late-eighties, you had African-American hip-hop groups like N.W.A. and Public Enemy stirring the pot and challenging through their music the racial tension prevalent at the time, and young filmmakers were quick to follow. Spike Lee, John Singleton and The Hughes Brothers respectively made iconic 'hood' films Do The Right Thing, Boyz N The Hood and Menace II Society, socially relevant dramas which addressed racism directly and what it meant to be young and black during that time in the United States. Now, we've got bollocks like this, which while being well-meaning, maybe, loses any relevance or pertinence to the message that it's trying to send through the dreadful writing and poor gags. It's not even a technically competent film. From a design standpoint, the film looks rather ugly, which the DP does nothing to attempt to work around, the music interjects itself on the viewer way too much, and it is full of that Editing 101 nonsense that sees us cutting back and forth between the characters in the middle of the dialogue, so as to reflect and maintain the pace of the snappy dialogue, which by this stage it is doubtless that we find fucking riveting.

I call bullshit. I have nothing else to say about this film. Yep. Seriously. I just want to be done with this one and get it out of my system. Oh, look, there it is. It's going, going, going... gone.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 1.2/10

The Thin White Dude's Self-Diagnosis - Flying (Bryan)

Fifty Shades Of Black Trailer

The Thin White Dude's Reviews - The Witch

Directed by: Robert Eggers

Produced by: Rodrigo Teixeira

Daniel Bekerman

Lars Knudsen

Jodi Redmond

Jay Van Hoy

Screenplay by: Robert Eggers

Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy

Ralph Ineson

Kate Dickie

Harvey Scrimshaw

Ellie Grainger

Lucas Dawson

Music by: Mark Korven

Cinematography by: Jarin Blaschke

Editing by: Louise Ford

Studio(s): Parts and Labor

Rooks Nest Entertainment

RT Pictures

Distributed by: A24

Release date(s): January 27, 2015 (Sundance Film Festival)

September 18, 2015 (Toronto International Film Festival)

February 19, 2016 (United States)

March 11, 2016 (United Kingdom)

Running time: 93 minutes

Country(s): United States

Canada

Language: English

Production budget: $3 million

Box-office revenue (as of publication): $40, 423, 945

"I'll be back," reads The Terminator mug from which I am drinking my cup of tea, and I'm living up to those words, so, much as I hope that you Enjoy(ed) The Silence, the bashing away on my keyboard like the sound of Rolling Thunder can only mean one thing: no, not that I have finally decided to come out as a previously closeted hipster, though considering I did just manage to fit three cultural references into the previous sentence, I am wavering dangerously close towards that precipice. Yes, it means that The Thin White Dude's Reviews are back in business. What has been holding me off has been a combination of many things, notwithstanding I have been working like a machine, but also the fact that the familiar echoes of my typing are never far away, as I am as ever working on several different projects. Well, I say that all the time, but hey, if I'm not satisfied with the finished product, then I don't feel they are fit for consumer digestion (that is assuming that y'all don't regurgitate some of the nonsense I come up with). Anywho, for all the latest and greatest as regards the movies, keep your eyes posted.

Today's film up for review is The Witch, which (which Witch? Stop it, Callum!) played at the Sundance and Toronto Film Festivals back in 2015, and was widely released in February of this year. The first time I saw this film I watched it on my colleague's phone on a night shift at the Balmoral Show (one of my Unholy Trinity Of Nightmares as far as shifts in the security industry go, along with Creamfields Festival and Disney On Ice), mistakenly selecting it on the basis that it was the new Natalie Dormer horror film The Forest. Normally, I completely frown upon watching the film on a phone period, but I thought I could get away with watching a disposable genre flick, and then, what do you know, spoiler alert, about a couple of months later I bought the film on DVD. I say spoiler alert, but I won't spoil too much, so don't worry about that mild disclaimer. Righto, plot-wise The Witch (which comes with the subtitle 'A New-England Folktale') follows a Puritan family in 17th century New England, consisting of William (Ralph Ineson), his wife Katherine (Kate Dickie), and their children (eldest daughter Thomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy), eldest son Caleb (Harvey Scrimshaw), twins Jonas and Mercy (Lucas Dawson, Ellie Grainger)), as they are threatened with banishment from their plantation over William's contrary interpretation of the New Testament. Opting to leave the church and plantation entirely to build a farm on the edge of a secluded forest, Katherine gives birth their son Samuel (Axtun Henry Dube and Athan Conrad Dube). However, while Thomasin minds him, Samuel mysteriously disappears, all manner of things start happening, and as the family begin to turn on each other, dark forces may or may not have a hand in influencing the matter. Got it? Good.

Starting off with the good, I can tell you that there is a whole lot of it. As I mentioned, I saw the film on a phone, a format I normally would refrain on principle from using, but even then I was really unnerved, and the film stuck with me in my head, so I had to go out and get it on DVD. The second time around I got a fuller impression of just what this film was all about. I would like to discuss the first thing that initially struck me about The Witch, and that was the effect that the film had upon me from a purely sensory standpoint. As well written as it is (we'll get to that), The Witch is a film that could have been constructed as a contemporary silent film, for it is so visually striking in it's imagery and aurally chilling as regards the overall sound of the piece. From the visual perspective, it is immaculately lit and staged by DP Jarin Blaschke, with the stark contrast of natural light and shadow in darkness reminiscent of the remarkable paintings of Francisco Goya. The sound design dances a demonic tango with the dark folk sounds of Mark Korven's original score, creating an atmosphere of brooding meditation and the rush of impending dread. Technically, the film is not unlike the character that gives it it's name, relishing in the playful manipulation of our emotions. In this sense, the editing of the film by Louise Ford works on the viewer like that of a wire being slowly spun, gradually tightening over the course of the running time. It's a masterclass in drawing out and developing tension in a very classy and elegant manner. Much of the low-budget feature surrounds the ensemble cast that comprise the family at the centre, and all six of the primary cast members are great in their roles. Ralph Ineson (near unrecognisable from some of his television roles) and Kate Dickie are acting vets, both of whom give great performances among their best befitting the weight of what is on their characters shoulders emotionally, but the real revelations are the young actors portraying their children. Anya Taylor-Joy stands out as Thomasin, depicting her not only as a young woman coming of age but also amidst the various afflictions of her family the film's voice of reason. She is a strong, believable and steadfast protagonist, who we can sympathise with because Taylor-Joy fleshes out for us the crux of Thomasin's conflict, that of controlling her own emotions and keep her own family under control as they all descend into various forms of mania. Harvey Scrimshaw too walks a tightrope of sorts, as his Caleb struggles with his increasing sexual awareness as a boy on the cusp of puberty. Even little Ellie Grainger and Lucas Dawson as the twins Mercy and Jonas manage to contribute with what should be should cute and humorous but is instead unnerving by way of their playful jests with Black Phillip the goat. Finally, what The Witch also marks is the arrival of a powerful new cinematic voice in Robert Eggers. With well-rounded, three-dimensional characters, beautifully universal but period accurate dialogue, and an engaging story based around content, Eggers has crafted a screenplay what on the surface could be derided as simplistic, but with his enigmatic approach to directing in realising it and bringing it to the big screen, is instead revealed to be a dense work of real complexity. There are many ways you can look at The Witch. In the one hand, you can view it from a purely sensory, cerebral standpoint. On the other, you can look at it as a straight genre piece. In another sense, you can look at it from the thematic perspective and ask yourself a number of questions. There are so many of them, but I want to pose one here myself for you to ponder, and I can do so because the film is intelligent to let me ask this question without it being a spoiler: are the supernatural events of the film that of a family being torn apart by something of malevolent intent, or is all of what we witness a manifestation of their respective inner demons? Yes, it's that kind of film.

Now, when I get into the negatives here I'm going to be discussing it from a broad outlook, because frankly I don't think there's much wrong with the film in my eyes. The problem is not the film itself but the fact is that there will be some viewers who will feel alienated, or indeed bored by The Witch, because of the way in which it delivers it's scares as the story unfolds. This is not one of the umpteen, stupid jump-scare horror movies built around spots over plots, moments over stories. What is absent from The Witch is that audience-pleasing, popcorn-entertainment factor that many people get from horror movies. As such, although I am certainly not one of them, there will be people who will either find it hard to adjust their palettes, given how much crap is rammed down our throats with horror films these days, or just not react positively to the film period. Sad but true.

That being said, while I acknowledge the views of others, this review is a reflection of my opinion(s), and as it stands, I think that The Witch is a contemporary horror classic. Indeed, I'll go so far as to say it's the best horror film I have seen since Let The Right One In seven years ago. It's been that long since I have seen a film in this genre so effective. It is deeply disturbing, and what it lacks perhaps in 'entertainment' value it makes up for rich, juicy content, and I was quite haunted by the overall experience. I've seen the film twice now, and I feel that I could sit down and watch a third time without tiring of it.

The Thin White Dude's Prognosis - 9.2/10

The Thin White Dude's Self-Diagnosis - Well-oiled (had a cardio and weights sesh/break in between finishing this)

The Witch Trailer